The smoke escapes his nostrils as he exhales. The window is cracked and the night air sucks the smelly cloud out into the atmosphere. He breathes in and out. His car is starting to get foggy by the time he lights the second cigarette. He shifts his weight to his left leg, and a girl notices him and smiles. Yunho stares into the sky and looking for his favorite constellation, Cassiopeia. The girl is disappointed that she is being ignored, but he doesn’t seem to care and he goes back to his activity. When he is done, Yunho throws the cigarette. The girl sees herself out and Yunho drives away.

Tears stream down his cheeks, and he wonders how it has come to this. Holding the wheel with one hand, he reaches for something in the glove box, a DBSK picture. He stares at the picture blankly. He relaxes, knowing that things will be better now, at least for tonight.

Soon, Yunho notices a gas station up ahead. He turns and pulls a close to pay phone. This is the part that hurts most, asking acquaintances, colleagues for a place to sleep, but for now it’s the only option. He has been living like this, going from place to place for about three months now. He was accused by an anti-fan and was forced to leave the group. He would sleep in his car for the night. He lay there looking up, thinking back to when things were better and wondering if they could ever return to that state again.

I remember watching Yunho go; I could see the sadness in his eyes, and his face was pale. Jaejoong just stood there. I didn’t know what to say. DBSK/TVXQ was falling apart in front of me and I couldn’t speak. Where would he go? What would happen now? Jaejoong stood there like a rock. He did not move. He did not speak, determined not to cry. I was in panic; I turned to Junsu. “Oppa, will you do something please?” He stared at me with this look of misery, and, as he stood to leave, I began to scream. “How can you do this? He is your friend; he’s only 22. Please, oppa, please… This is not right! If you’re really his friends, fight for him!”

Jaejoong gave me a stern look and told me to go inside. Junsu, Yoochun and Changmin followed as I made my way to the door. I glanced at Yunho one last time. It would be months before I would see him again. Softly I whispered, “Goodbye, Yunho…” I ran quickly to the bathroom and wept as I began to throw up. I lay there against the cold tiles of the floor and cried until I could cry no more. There was nothing I could do. I felt so helpless.

I did not see him for a long time. One day as I sat at their apartment alone, the phone rang. It was Yunho. He asked if Jaejoong, Junsu, Changmin and Yoochun were home. I told him, “No.” I was so excited when he said he would be coming over to get some things.

When he arrived, I ran out to greet him. He looked strange, a little on edge, maybe fearing that haters would see him, yet there was something else. We talked for awhile, and I was disappointed when he had to leave. I didn’t understand any of this. I did not know why this was happening to DBSK/TVXQ.

Being older now, I can see their point of view. I can feel the pain and the rejection that they face having Yunho that is a “delinquent”. The world places a smug face on that sort of thing. We continue to disagree to this day about the fact that people forced the management to kicked Yunho out and he was so helpless. The grudge still lingers that he was put into that situation. For months he was homeless without companion in the world, without anyone to turn to, and, in the end, cigarettes and alcohol became his substitution for love.

I believe that when DBSK was formed, to bring happiness into the world, from the point on they are making a promise to perform together, no matter what. DBSK didn’t fail Yunho; they will never break that promise. We missed a lot of years with Yunho. We have grown apart. We have grown up, and my oppas’ choice is for the good of the group. In some ways, I want to see them perform again as a group.

One day this past summer, Yunho sat down with me and told me about the past two years. He told me of the cold nights of sleeping in his car, the times when he ached to be held, when he was insulted by the people around him. I watched him breaking down and he told me about the alcohol and cigarettes. I held him tight when he wept after talking about his comeback with the rest. He was proven innocent and the anti-fan who accused him was imprisoned. People sent letters saying they’re sorry for judging him and they’re looking forward seeing him dance again. Now, Yunho has to take control and forget the past.

There are things in our life that we want to forget, actions and conclusions that we wish to change. I guess if I could change anything, I would show them the mistake they made. I would show them the pain they caused, I would help my partner forgive them. Yes, I’m his wife now. I would help him forgive himself and bring his spotlight back.